Posts Tagged ‘Feelings’

I haven’t write much, lately. For all that matters, I haven’t speak much as well, lol. One of those stages, you know, when all you need is to be quiet and enjoy the peace around you, absorb what happens with and around you and keep… still.

Because me in first life equals me in second life, the same feeling applies when I am in-world. Just to make things clear, I am not trying to avoid you. I just am feeling comfortable on my own, that is all.

Today, however, I knew I had to share this place where I suddenly found myself while exploring the wilderness out there *smiles*. I am not going to describe it, because – again – the place touched me deep and i do not feel like sharing that much, hehehe. The pictures I shot there will speak for myself. The only thing you need to know is that you’ll find both light and darness at [XIV]. Most images below are from the dark side… hope you feel inspired to capture the light 😉 Enjoy !

XIV - Entrance

XIV - Time & Music

XIV - Time & Books

XIV - Dark Side

XIV - Darkness me

XIV - Lightness me

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Nighty night

When the house quiets down and all you listen to is the calm breath of your loved ones… you can’t help but feeling fulfilled and close your eyes for a well-deserved rest.

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Some years ago, I sat by an apple tree listening to a young but wise dragon. I didn’t want to hear his words, that’s the whole truth. But he kept insisting and persisting, and his voice grew stronger and stronger as he warned me. If you don’t take another path, you’ll ruin everything you have built until now, he said. Over and over again. Each and everyone will desert you, and you’ll be unable to go on by yourself.

I simply turned my back at him and refused to listen. After all, I was feeling a unique thing was happening to me: for the first time in my entire life I had been able to do something worthy, to put together something with a meaning, something that was publicly valued and recognised, something that soothed my soul and apaised my ghosts, fulfilling me each day with a renewed brilliant energy that I willingly shared with everyone around me… against all odds, with just a little more than mere will power, I had built my own kingdom, my own universe. One where I was respected, which had been born out of my heart, mind, soul, tears, blood.

Yet, he was right. A few months later, everything collapsed, in spite of all my efforts. And me, I collapsed along with my ruined dreams and totally burned-out.

Time heals everything, they say. It is also true, you know ? But changing a lifetime’s perspective is not an easy process to undergo. It hurts oneself. It also hurts everyone who loves us. It may destroy you completely, if you simply let it go too far.

I was fortunate, for I was able to put myself together again and get my life (lives?) back. I have changed and discovered that at the end of the day it is my inner self that I need to be at peace with.

Yes, the young dragon was far wise for his age. We could even say he was one of the few real visionaries I ever met in my life. Unfortunately, like all living beings, he’s more able to see the right path for others than for himself.

And today, I fear for him. And fear there is nothing I can do but watching, impotent, to his self-destruction – me, I am selfish, ok? I have lost already too many loved ones. It’s just enough, now, ok ?

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She looked at the abyss opening right before her feet. Deep inside of her, the same words echoed, over and over again “you’re so special to me. I’ve never felt anything like this”.

Yeah, words are so easily said, aren’t they ? And in a way, she understood. Of course we ALL are special to everyone we relate to, we all have roles to play in one another’s lives. So what ? Does that really mean anything special ?

Hands over her ears, she shouted out loud to stop those words. She knew they didn’t have the meaning she wanted them to have, she knew they wouldn’t lead her anywhere. She found herself fighting her dead ends, her own feelings and felt trapped again.

The voices only kept making themselves loud and clearer. “I love you”, they kept saying “why don’t you believe me?”. She didn’t. She had been there and new all about meaningless words that didn’t actually turn into actions.

So she took a step on and left herself fall in the abyss.

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This subject has been hanging around in my mind for some days already but it has not been easy to compile my own thoughts about it.

Anyway, first of all, my own conceipt of a virtual partnership is: each and every more or less official marriage/partnership/whatever that exists only for other people to think of yourself as a part of a couple, when in reality you don’t feel you are in a couple.

Difficult to understand ? So let me put it this way… as a girl on my mid fourties I had several virtual partnerships – in my First Life. In my Second Life, I was partnered only to Petros Miklos until recently, and we were also together in our First Lives. And that happened because I felt at a point that I could look ahead and actually see us building something together… for real.

What I mean is… no matter where it happens, if you’re not really strongly connected to the other part of the couple and feel you are both walking the same path, well… you are living a virtual partnership.

In Second Life, I see couples become partners every day and de-partnerising the day after and I just wonder… what is this ? A let-me-break-your-heart-before-you-break-mine sort of game ? In Second Life, I see people getting partnered with someone when they are supposedly madly in love with someone else in their First Live. On the other hand, I know a couple who is together for over three years now and they never got partnered n SL. And yes, I totally admire them. If you can’t actually have the whole person by your side, what really is the use of having his/her name on your profile ? And obviously, I feel exactly the same towards First Life… if you cannot count on the person who is supposedly by your side, why do you keep his/her name on your ID or passport ? Is it really that important that the world thinks that you’re married, partnered or something ?

Well, I’m afraid that doesn’t work for me. Of course, this is only my personal opinion on the subject. But as I don’t like to be called a “girlfriend” or “wife” of someone who is not really there for me when I need it, well I really find it odd to have, in Second Life, the “partner” field filled with a name of someone who, however close he or she might be… is not really with me. Someone I cannot call at any moment of day or night and tell how I feel, someone whose shoulder is not really there when I need it, someone who really doesn’t take me out for dinner and movies, for instance, someone who doesn’t really share those lil things of my daily life that composes the building of a real coupleship.

It’s probably my fault, that I don’t draw any lines between FL and SL and I feel them just as different parts of my whole life. The way I see it… if I am independent and self-sufficient enough with dealing with my own issues, so why do I need the world to think I am with someone ?

I don’t. And this is the reason why I don’t intend to partner anyone in Second Life – nor in my First Life, for what that matters. Because in fact… I am free, I adjust to situations as I can and solve my own troubles so why should I need a name attached to me when, at the end of the day, he/she is not really there for me when I need him/her?

For those things, I have my friends, to whom I turn whenever in need and whenever they are themselves in the mood to listen to me. They are also there to ask me to go out to theaters, dining out, etc. Plus,I think I grew used to sleep on my own in this large bed 😀

Call me selfish – I am, and proud of it. You don’t have to like me, or my feelings on the subject. I am sorry if that happens, it just means that in fact I was not able to put it in a way that you, my reader, can understand.

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So that you know… I am deleting several names from my in-world contact list. Nothing really personal, it’s just that sometimes you speak to someone once (in a hunt or a casual meeting) and that person remains on your list like forever, even though you are never to speak any further.

So I decided… I don’t need to keep watching all these people coming and going online. I’m keeping every calling card of course, and remain at your disposal if you’re amongst those who suddenly don’t see me on your list any longer. I’m really always very easy to find.

In the meanwhile, please do not forget to take the most out of each minute life grants you, alright ?
Love ❤

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At the darkest period of my life, and I don’t really remember how it all began, I became looking at myself as a witch. The sort of bad witch who ruined and drained every lil thing she touched… ever come through a period like that ? Well, I sincerely wish you never did, and that you never will. It’s painful and particularly difficult to go through.

As that stage went on, I assumed myself as the damned witch, however I also became aware that maybe, just maybe I could teach others to avoid the storms I had faced, if only I found someone willing to listen. Slowly, from the bad bad witch, I started feeling more spiritual and here and there realised I could actually help people crossing difficult stages in their lifes. I had grown stronger with all that had happened, able to encourage, to give strenght, to hold on hesitating hands and pull some hearts across harsh bridges or advising on a crossroad. Above all, I had learnt that no matter what, the most important thing in life is being loyal to oneself, instead of running from your left to your right trying to please everyone and providing for everyone else’s needs and forgeting you are just throwing pieces of yourself that could be of use in the future.

At that point, I understood I could shapeshift from beach to the ocean itself and let me flow in search of bays and ports and pieces of sand who needed support in taking the next step. That was I start doing exactly, and discovered it was as painful being an ocean as it had been being a beach. I learnt that at a point, you simply have accomplished the role that brought you to that specific spot and just have let go of it, move on, and let other waves come along and teach that very same beach some other lessons.

So I left my waves withdraw each and every time I had finished the mission in a beach that once had warmly welcomed me. I became the ocean, sometimes divided myself into different tongues of river in order to sooth more than a dried spot at once, before gathering myself again into an endless mass of water who covered and protected those few that I care for.

Today, I know that you can either be a beach and learn with the waves, or be the ocean and share your knowledge. You are entitled and have the right to be both of them; sometimes you will need to stop, wait and accept the gifts life will be kind enough to offer you. Other times, you really have to get your ass off your chair, sofa or whatever and go look for places where you can be useful.

Just don’t be afraid of taking you and loving you at each stage and let you flow or stay, as you wish. The ultimate fulfillment is to look around and feel the serenity and balance you were able to reach… and share it with those that really are meaningful to you.

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Between heaven and earth, part of me somewhere in the clouds, another part firmly grounded on mother earth

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I remember being very young when I first thought about myself as a beach. In time, I came to understand that during each of our lives, we all are beaches, welcoming wave after wave all over us. More recently, I realized that at the same time, we all are waves ourselves, coming or going on other beaches.

As a beach, I felt different kinds of waves coming through. Some of them were harsh, troubled, stormed waves who left behind deep marks all over my sand… marks that often not even other waves were able to fade away. Some other times, I had waves that were all tenderness and soft enchantment, that refreshed my mind and soul and led the sun beams warm me up twenty four hours a day. Here and there, they would also come some tiny little waves that I barely felt, who were still trying to find their own way, seeking their path, trying in their own shy way every beach they would come across.

As a beach, I also knew that I was not simply… plain. I could tell which parts of me were smooth and soft and where I was so hot one could barely step a foot on. I learnt to find the spots where I was all rocky and hard, graveled and difficult to understand. I found I had some nice shadows due to the palm trees bending over me – along with very dark places where the sun never reached, where I was just sand in some cave built up by the restless yet so patient ocean, wave after wave after wave.

I came to accept me as this endless beach, every now and then totally dried with the lack of water, often wet to my bones after days of tropical rain. I came to understand I could not choose the waves that came my way, nor could I predict any of the consequences they always carried along with them. As time went by, I learnt how to accept them all, eeach and every one of them with their own lesson about life.

Time taught me tranquility and serenity. Now, whenever I, as a beach, look at the endless horizon, I simply know I will be eternal, will always be here no matter what, a slightly different beach each day, but unchanged at deeper levels. And even though waves will keep coming and going I will always be alone… but not lonely.

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