Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

Nighty night

When the house quiets down and all you listen to is the calm breath of your loved ones… you can’t help but feeling fulfilled and close your eyes for a well-deserved rest.

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Some years ago, I sat by an apple tree listening to a young but wise dragon. I didn’t want to hear his words, that’s the whole truth. But he kept insisting and persisting, and his voice grew stronger and stronger as he warned me. If you don’t take another path, you’ll ruin everything you have built until now, he said. Over and over again. Each and everyone will desert you, and you’ll be unable to go on by yourself.

I simply turned my back at him and refused to listen. After all, I was feeling a unique thing was happening to me: for the first time in my entire life I had been able to do something worthy, to put together something with a meaning, something that was publicly valued and recognised, something that soothed my soul and apaised my ghosts, fulfilling me each day with a renewed brilliant energy that I willingly shared with everyone around me… against all odds, with just a little more than mere will power, I had built my own kingdom, my own universe. One where I was respected, which had been born out of my heart, mind, soul, tears, blood.

Yet, he was right. A few months later, everything collapsed, in spite of all my efforts. And me, I collapsed along with my ruined dreams and totally burned-out.

Time heals everything, they say. It is also true, you know ? But changing a lifetime’s perspective is not an easy process to undergo. It hurts oneself. It also hurts everyone who loves us. It may destroy you completely, if you simply let it go too far.

I was fortunate, for I was able to put myself together again and get my life (lives?) back. I have changed and discovered that at the end of the day it is my inner self that I need to be at peace with.

Yes, the young dragon was far wise for his age. We could even say he was one of the few real visionaries I ever met in my life. Unfortunately, like all living beings, he’s more able to see the right path for others than for himself.

And today, I fear for him. And fear there is nothing I can do but watching, impotent, to his self-destruction – me, I am selfish, ok? I have lost already too many loved ones. It’s just enough, now, ok ?

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Trying to decide whether it’s worse letting go of someone or letting go of the dreams that person brought attached to. Guess that’s my deepest fear, that at one point I simply quit dreaming…

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She looked at the abyss opening right before her feet. Deep inside of her, the same words echoed, over and over again “you’re so special to me. I’ve never felt anything like this”.

Yeah, words are so easily said, aren’t they ? And in a way, she understood. Of course we ALL are special to everyone we relate to, we all have roles to play in one another’s lives. So what ? Does that really mean anything special ?

Hands over her ears, she shouted out loud to stop those words. She knew they didn’t have the meaning she wanted them to have, she knew they wouldn’t lead her anywhere. She found herself fighting her dead ends, her own feelings and felt trapped again.

The voices only kept making themselves loud and clearer. “I love you”, they kept saying “why don’t you believe me?”. She didn’t. She had been there and new all about meaningless words that didn’t actually turn into actions.

So she took a step on and left herself fall in the abyss.

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Roles and Masks

Yeaps, I know. The not-so-serious-phase was just but a short break. Sorry about that, I promise I will keep publishing happy pictures, don’t worry. The thing is, I cannot stop my grey cells from running on their own and this usually results in some thoughts that I need to “put on paper”. Thirty years ago, I woud write them on a diary, these days I write them on my laptop and click on a button so the whole world can read them.

After such a preamble, let’s get to the point. In our lives, we all have diferent roles to play – and yes, I know this is nothing new. Those different roles lead us to act differently during the day, according to the situation and the context we find ourselves in – which is in itself just common sense.


Some people are so afraid of rejection or depend so much on someones elses’ approval that they go beyond what we would call “playing the role as best as you can”. In fact, they push it to the limit, put on masks and start behaving in each situation in the way they know they will fulfill others’ expectations. This borns obviously out of maturity or insecurity and lead them to become the “perfect employee”, the “ideal boyfriend”, the “best of friends”, the “dream son”. In turn, they give up being themselves, even without realising it, and begin to be someone else, little by little, loosing their own identity and becoming just a reflex of other people’s needs and wishes.

In the process, they don’t even understhand that they actually are lying and pretending before each and every person they meet. Until a point where, for some circumstance, they are forced to drop the mask or simply are not strong enough to carry it further.

I make no judgements, or at least I try not to. I still believe that each and everyone has the right to live his/her own life as he/she thinks it better. However, just in case you recognised yourself in the description above, let me just allert you for two simple facts:
– you will never be happy inside, only frustrated, needed and insecure most of the time
– you will hurt a lot of people. In fact, I would go totally radical in here and say that sooner or later you will tend to hurt everyone around you.

Just because you are human, and what you are asking from yourself is just way too much for your body mand mind t bear with it always and forever.

This said, I would suggest that you have a deep and sincere look inside of yourself (which will not always be the most pleasant of sights, I know that though my own experience) and try to go back to your own personality. Yes, you will cease to please everybody, you will disappoint one or another that are close and this will deffinitely bring you out of your comfort zone.

But at the end of the day, you’ll be able to find answers inside of you other that “I don’t know”. You will see how complete you are, fullfilled and ready to face live according to your own feelings and believings. And at the end of the day, those who really love you will still be around, available to take you exactly as you are and to love the real person in you.

Masks - a temporary installation @ Never Never

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This subject has been hanging around in my mind for some days already but it has not been easy to compile my own thoughts about it.

Anyway, first of all, my own conceipt of a virtual partnership is: each and every more or less official marriage/partnership/whatever that exists only for other people to think of yourself as a part of a couple, when in reality you don’t feel you are in a couple.

Difficult to understand ? So let me put it this way… as a girl on my mid fourties I had several virtual partnerships – in my First Life. In my Second Life, I was partnered only to Petros Miklos until recently, and we were also together in our First Lives. And that happened because I felt at a point that I could look ahead and actually see us building something together… for real.

What I mean is… no matter where it happens, if you’re not really strongly connected to the other part of the couple and feel you are both walking the same path, well… you are living a virtual partnership.

In Second Life, I see couples become partners every day and de-partnerising the day after and I just wonder… what is this ? A let-me-break-your-heart-before-you-break-mine sort of game ? In Second Life, I see people getting partnered with someone when they are supposedly madly in love with someone else in their First Live. On the other hand, I know a couple who is together for over three years now and they never got partnered n SL. And yes, I totally admire them. If you can’t actually have the whole person by your side, what really is the use of having his/her name on your profile ? And obviously, I feel exactly the same towards First Life… if you cannot count on the person who is supposedly by your side, why do you keep his/her name on your ID or passport ? Is it really that important that the world thinks that you’re married, partnered or something ?

Well, I’m afraid that doesn’t work for me. Of course, this is only my personal opinion on the subject. But as I don’t like to be called a “girlfriend” or “wife” of someone who is not really there for me when I need it, well I really find it odd to have, in Second Life, the “partner” field filled with a name of someone who, however close he or she might be… is not really with me. Someone I cannot call at any moment of day or night and tell how I feel, someone whose shoulder is not really there when I need it, someone who really doesn’t take me out for dinner and movies, for instance, someone who doesn’t really share those lil things of my daily life that composes the building of a real coupleship.

It’s probably my fault, that I don’t draw any lines between FL and SL and I feel them just as different parts of my whole life. The way I see it… if I am independent and self-sufficient enough with dealing with my own issues, so why do I need the world to think I am with someone ?

I don’t. And this is the reason why I don’t intend to partner anyone in Second Life – nor in my First Life, for what that matters. Because in fact… I am free, I adjust to situations as I can and solve my own troubles so why should I need a name attached to me when, at the end of the day, he/she is not really there for me when I need him/her?

For those things, I have my friends, to whom I turn whenever in need and whenever they are themselves in the mood to listen to me. They are also there to ask me to go out to theaters, dining out, etc. Plus,I think I grew used to sleep on my own in this large bed 😀

Call me selfish – I am, and proud of it. You don’t have to like me, or my feelings on the subject. I am sorry if that happens, it just means that in fact I was not able to put it in a way that you, my reader, can understand.

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At the very beginning of mankind, people were only able to communicate with those who were near – using gestures, facial expressions, body talk, etc. Eventually, words started to appear (don’t ask me, I know nothing about that, though I’m quite curious about how they felt that those first means of communication were not enough).

Words allowed people to communicate more easily, and as they travelled to settle in new lands, they brought along stories who passed from generation to generation.

However, a really looong time had to go through until someone started representing word sounds with drawings which were carved in wood, leaves of plants, etc – writing enters the stage.

This is where I want to get to… being able to write, made it easier to communicate with people who were not that physically nearby. Across times, all sorts of writing messages were carried to and from by messengers and then someone actually had a brilliant idea and launched the post service. A huge step ahead to the 20th century, and who never heard about the love letters between soldiers in the world wars and their families back home? More than that, it’s not only in the movies that people cross oceans barely knowing each other – our great great parents were doing that in their real lives all the time. Going a bit even further, who never had a pen pal ? People we never met and who however told us all about their lives… and vice-versa. Well, I had lots of them, lol.

Next step: the internet came along. And suddenly, with just a few clicks, you were able to actually send messages that would be replied after a short while. Along with that came a all bunch of communication means like chat rooms et all, which live connected people inhabiting opposite sides of the world, often none of them using their mother tongue to communicate – and yes, this easily leads to all sorts of misunderstandings, as stated by Looker and I couldn’t agree more. Typing and writing can be very tricky, even when both people speak the same language, so just imagine what can happen when they don’t.

Of course, web cams followed close and helped people to actually speak to and see each other, no matter how far they were in this planet called Earth. That was no doubt a major step, being able to look at another person who stood behind this other screen, somewhere in the world, being immediately aware of the effect that exchanged words had on the other one, realising instantly whenever you had not be able to express correctly what you meant.

This is, basically, the world we live in today. A world where you network and start relationships with all kind of people all across the world through several ways, from social networks, to virtual words, to skyping and gtalking, etc. At a point that the world becomes this small village where you keep meeting the same persons over and over again in different spots, who on their turn are also connected to people you already met in some any other place.

There… now I can go back to my first sentence in this post. I have been all over the net during these past 13 years or something (and yes, I was not an early starter, lol) and have tried most, if not all, those different types of communicating with the world.

But you know what ? Nothing really compares to having the real person in front of you. For as much as you can say that you know someone really well, and almost guess her/his souls and thoughts quite easily – well, in my opinion that only really happens when you actually face with them, in all 3D, able to use all your senses to realise what is really being communicating.

And I am not at all giving less value to virtual/net communication. If it wasn’t for that, I would had never crossed paths with people that came to have a major role in my life. I am just saying that if and when you have the chance of doing it, go and meet the person you chat with or type with. Bring the person near as our ancestors did and meet them in flesh and blood. I cannot assure you that you will always be pleasantly surprised… but definitely, nothing beats the most basic and primary means of communication.

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So that you know… I am deleting several names from my in-world contact list. Nothing really personal, it’s just that sometimes you speak to someone once (in a hunt or a casual meeting) and that person remains on your list like forever, even though you are never to speak any further.

So I decided… I don’t need to keep watching all these people coming and going online. I’m keeping every calling card of course, and remain at your disposal if you’re amongst those who suddenly don’t see me on your list any longer. I’m really always very easy to find.

In the meanwhile, please do not forget to take the most out of each minute life grants you, alright ?
Love ❤

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At the darkest period of my life, and I don’t really remember how it all began, I became looking at myself as a witch. The sort of bad witch who ruined and drained every lil thing she touched… ever come through a period like that ? Well, I sincerely wish you never did, and that you never will. It’s painful and particularly difficult to go through.

As that stage went on, I assumed myself as the damned witch, however I also became aware that maybe, just maybe I could teach others to avoid the storms I had faced, if only I found someone willing to listen. Slowly, from the bad bad witch, I started feeling more spiritual and here and there realised I could actually help people crossing difficult stages in their lifes. I had grown stronger with all that had happened, able to encourage, to give strenght, to hold on hesitating hands and pull some hearts across harsh bridges or advising on a crossroad. Above all, I had learnt that no matter what, the most important thing in life is being loyal to oneself, instead of running from your left to your right trying to please everyone and providing for everyone else’s needs and forgeting you are just throwing pieces of yourself that could be of use in the future.

At that point, I understood I could shapeshift from beach to the ocean itself and let me flow in search of bays and ports and pieces of sand who needed support in taking the next step. That was I start doing exactly, and discovered it was as painful being an ocean as it had been being a beach. I learnt that at a point, you simply have accomplished the role that brought you to that specific spot and just have let go of it, move on, and let other waves come along and teach that very same beach some other lessons.

So I left my waves withdraw each and every time I had finished the mission in a beach that once had warmly welcomed me. I became the ocean, sometimes divided myself into different tongues of river in order to sooth more than a dried spot at once, before gathering myself again into an endless mass of water who covered and protected those few that I care for.

Today, I know that you can either be a beach and learn with the waves, or be the ocean and share your knowledge. You are entitled and have the right to be both of them; sometimes you will need to stop, wait and accept the gifts life will be kind enough to offer you. Other times, you really have to get your ass off your chair, sofa or whatever and go look for places where you can be useful.

Just don’t be afraid of taking you and loving you at each stage and let you flow or stay, as you wish. The ultimate fulfillment is to look around and feel the serenity and balance you were able to reach… and share it with those that really are meaningful to you.

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Between heaven and earth, part of me somewhere in the clouds, another part firmly grounded on mother earth

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