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Posts Tagged ‘Mind’

At first, there is nothing but a faint sensation of daylight. Which I totally and inconsciently ignore by keeping my eyes firmly closed. I couldn’t care less if it’s already a new day or yet the night before.

Then, bit by bit, I become conscious of some sounds. It is raining and drops beat softly on my window. The sound is almost imperceptible, but somehow it grows little by little inside my head.

There’s when I realise that I am actually having some thoughts already. Somehow, they succeeded in introducing themselves into my sleepy brain cells. Often they start by fighting each other, most of them grumbling “hush, let me sleep for some more time”, others already telling me I have to do this and that. Without my consent, these last ones start to win the battle, and suddenly I know that I am almost awake now, planning my day, choosing from where to start and what to do next, prioritising… and in days like today, feeling very very happy that I’m alone at home, after so many days with a thousand of people around.

Before I know it, my eyes are wide open. I enjoy the softness of my blankets and the warm in my nest. I know I have a whole day ahead of me to do exactly what I want to, in each and every minute of it. Also know that tomorrow I will be back to responsibilities and obligations, and end some tasks that I had to postpone due to other urgent matters needing my whole attention.

Tomorrow, though. Not today. For the time being, I am just ready to make a cup of tea and start having fun. And suddenly it looks like I can’t wait for another second, I don’t want to waste any more time sleeping and impaciently I abandon my bed and head to the kitchen.

Now, I am fully awake. Gooood morning, rainy Sunday, I’m totally in love with you!

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Home in SL

Today I returned home in SL. To be totally honest, I cannot quite remember how long had it been since the last time I had been there. For the last couple of months I’ve been passing most of my time in-world at Ephemeria – which no longer exists as I built it.

Life has its own timings, I guess. In a way, it is curious that the same day I signed a new rental in FL, I also receive a note from my SL landlord saying I was delayed in paying the tiers, which I had totally forgotten to do. It’s great that at ACS theya re very organized, that way I could simply remove my things and abandon the land.

Anyway, I couldn’t help finding it a bit odd that I was writing dismissal letters both in FL and in SL. With a mixed feeling of sorrow and hope I became conscious that I am moving on and choosing my path, which I expect will be healthier and happier than this last stage of my life.

In SL, I am obviously keeping my home and land in 100Limite and have no intentions of letting it go. At ground level, I might have my neighbours complaining about my sometimes odd tastes in landscaping and building, but there’s where I will now set up the scenarios for my pictures.

In FL, I am finally going back to a proper appartment, after a year and half in a temporary location which was my refuge from a world that I sensed as a threat but actually looks more like a bunker than like a home, lol. My future bedroom will have TWO windows, and oh boy for someone who hasn’t seen much of the day light at home this is a luxury!

But in a way, I am sorry to leave from there. My current landlord is the mother of a dear friend whom I first met in-world. They were a huge help and probably saved my life… and I mean it literally. They gave me a place to hide when my whole life came apart and my fears overwhelmed my senses.

It’s time to move on, however. Now that I finally accepted that my ex-partner is dishonest enough to want me to pay half the house while he asks the court to grant him the whole place with no reimboursement to me, I had to face the fact that I totally misjudged him and for eight years was able to love him and his daughters dearly. I guess that we all make those kinds of mistakes, once in a while in our lives. In a way, I pity him for not being able to support himself and his family and for having to take advantage of other people in order to fulfil his basic needs.

Me, on the other hand, I am on my feet again, in spite of his attempts to bring me down. I am being helped to trust myself again, and I was lucky enough to find this amazing guy who has been standing by my side in so many dark moments, supporting me in every possible way.

Bah, I didn’t intend o write such a long post lol. I belive I needed to landmark the moment, that’s all. I have my head full of images of my new place now and yeah, some of them are a bit… different, let’s say hehehe. In time and with a lil help I will be able to set it up the way I would like it to be. We shall see. Yesterday, I was smiling just before I fell asleep… you know the feeling when you’re coming back home ?

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Lucky me I have these oasis in my life. Who here and then offer me some special days – like today.

Funny thing, for years I had a best (girl)friend and then I had a guy I lived with. Then, a series of events made me a bit ceptical about some manifestations of friendship, which changed my whole life completely and turned me into a different person. Nowadays, I rely much more on actions and attitudes than on words. I stopped believe I could encourage people and help them turning into worthy persons. I have accepted people simply don’t change. They are what they are, and one should be VERY cautious and attentive before giving one’s heart away or before offering the “friend” label to anyone.

Today, though, I am able to say that life renews itself. Where once I saw only darkness, sadness and a dead end, I can now notice a path – maybe a hard one, with obstacles yet to overcome, but a way that I am sure leads me to a quiet, peaceful corner in life.

I fell in love with my best friend. Yes, I am aware there’s a popular song telling the exact same thing. This is no song, though. This is my daily life, and a totally new way of experiencing it. Having someone who entirely fulfils my different emotional needs is something uncommon, and had never happened to me before. One may say I am risking too much in placing all the bets on the same number – but that’s how the situation evolved naturally.

Having someone with whom I share absolutely everything, including my insecurity and doubts about our relationship gave me a new perspective of the world. Here is someone I don’t need to push to make things happen, because he will only do whatever he is sure is the right thing to do. Someone who knows how to deal with me each time I fall apart and start pushing everyone away. Someone who instinctly insists with me until I speak what I tend to keep inside, but who also gives me the room to set up my mind whenever I need it. LOL, he even knows how to apply “the silence treatment” which works wonders in making me realise how much I hurt him at times.

I know all too well I am very difficult to deal with, and this is just one of the reasons I recognise in him a particular human quality: compassion. He knows how to listen, he easily understands feelings even when only half-muttered. He is well balanced and puts together reason and heart. Most of all, he is a real human being, not afraid of speaking and facing problems, arguing or discussing matters, which is RARE in guys. A corageous type, who reveals his own fragilities and knows all too well that we both rock the boat, sometimes together, sometimes on our own so the other one can have a rest.

That is why I dare jumping in this cruise together. Because I fully trust him and know he will always do his best. Now… all that remains to be known is where this joint travel will lead us to – and hopefully we will have a lifetime to discover that.

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I’ve been running from my own thoughts, these last couple of months. Keeping myself away from things I don’t want to think, feelings I don’t want to feel. Have been busy as hell, doing this and that and feeling the more I do the more things I leave undone.

It’s a bit useless, though. One day, you stop for a while and all these thoughts and feelings trap you. All they need is a window of opportunity and here they are again, pushing you against a wall of confusion, anger and fear. Then you know that maybe it is time to stop. To re-organise your life and your drawers. To make a break and go some place else. To have a deep look inside of yourself and face all those nasty little monsters that play seek and hide with your mind and soul.

Yes, there is no use in running from problems. Instead, you have to acknowledge them, and deal with them. They will not go away just because you don’t want to think about them – and wherever you go they will follow you.

Therefore – stop. You can either live with them or you can’t. And if you can’t, well… get that lazy butt off that chair and solve them once and for all! Do whatever you need to, cut the remaining roots if you still didn’t and move on. Oh, don’t look at me with that face, i do know it hurts like hell – but how long do you honestly think you can live with those unsolved matters?

Stop busying yourself with things that are just accessories. Work is not, health is not, as the special people in your life are not. Those should be your priorities. All of the rest, it’s things you will do on your spare time – do you need a definition of spare?

I look around and see work waiting for me. Plurk unattended. Conversations with my kid still waiting for the light of day. Lots of clothes and accessories to be shot and published. Talks with my guy left unspoken. Pictures to be taken, treated, posted. Posts to be written and books to be read. News to be watched. Walks by the sea to be taken. Taxes to be submitted.

No use running, sweetie. There are things that don’t depend on you alone, and those you have to endure as they are. However, there are others just waiting for you to take some steps. Will you do them?

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I have been discussing this a bit lately. Mainly because I don’t watch the news on the tv and I don’t read blogs with which I don’t feel identified.

I work in communication-related environments for about 17 years, now. I’ve met journalists and I understand their minds. I also have followed the development of the news industry during all this time. Half a dozen years ago, i discovered the blogsphere and have a long training in reading. In fact, I start reading at the age of four, and never stopped until now.

Because I feel I understand a bit how does the mind of a writer works, along with several changes that I have introduced in my life last year, I also started choosing carefully what I read. What’s the point in having information that will not contribute to one’s happiness ? When you previously know that you will not like what you will be reading, why do you read it ? Don’t you choose the books/authors that you keep under your eyes ? Don’t you choose the music you listen to, the movies you are going to watch ? There…

Oh, I do know things happen, even if i don’t read about them, LOL. I know there is a financial crisis going on, conflicts rose again seriously in the Middle East, Russia and Ukraine have interrupted gaz delivery. I don’t need to watch or listen to the news, my co-workers all talk about those things.

But you know what ? I recognise I have the right to not knowing further details. I don’t want to know everything that is going on. And as far as blogs are concerned, I surely don’t want to know who’s sleeping with who, who’s fighting who, who’s just fell in love or who has befriended their worst enemy. I have my own plethora of all these stories, more than enough to fill about five kgs of book pages if I wanted to write it, hehehe

So yes… you may call me alienated. I am so. Does it bother me ? Not a bit – it’s just my way of keeping out of the way a bunch of things that don’t interest me nor have a positive input to my daily life. May also be interpreted as my own way to say “Fuck off, I really don’t care”

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As I move forward and learn about the world I realize that in this after-life of mine all I can do is sharing my weak wisdom with the younger ones who still struggle to find themselves and drop on them some useful insights, such as the importance of free-choice. After all, life is just a travel through self-knowledge, and it’s up to each one to choose where to go, when, how and with whom.

Thus, if you want to live, open yourself and let the world come into you. Invite people around you to set home in your heart and pick up some divinity to live in your soul. After that, you will only need to let yourself go. Don’t be afraid of hurting or being hurt – it won’t kill you and it won’t kill the ones around you, it will merely teach you all some lessons about life itself. You will fall, for sure, but you will get up on your feet sooner or later. Face the unknown and challenge it to play with you. And before you know it, you will see how fulfilling it all can be.

Above all – don’t waste too much time thinking. Some of the replies are too complex for us to understand their full meaning, so there’s really no point on asking the questions. Therefore, stretch your wings and breathe in and out, deeply. Silent your mind and open your heart… you’ll do just great !

(so, you may ask, what skills do I have to teach classes on Life ? Well, I’ve been there and I’ve learnt – hope that is enough. No, I am no Guru nor have any diplomas. But I’ve been paying attention for the last 42 years and now – while I wait for the next stage to come – is where I have time on my hands to at least try to help you keeping ghosts and fears out of the way :P)

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